


Lynn Her Heart

by CaptainDodge



Category: The Loud House (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:29:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22537042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainDodge/pseuds/CaptainDodge
Summary: When heartbreak leave Lynn Loud down in the dumps, her siblings come together to hatch a plan to cheer her up - and it involves dating. Lots. And lots. Of dating...
Relationships: Francisco/Lynn Loud Jr., Lynn Loud Jr./Original Character(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	Lynn Her Heart

_(We open with an establishing shot of Royal Woods Middle School as the bell rings. We then cut to Lynn Loud, Jr., walking down the hall and psyching herself up.)_

**LYNN:** _(takes a deep breath)_ Okay, Lynn, this is it. Today for _sure._ No more stalling; no more excuses; no more _nothing._ You are going to walk up to Francisco, casually greet him, and ask him out on a date. That’s it – easy as that.

_(She turns a corner, then another, and sees Francisco down the hall. She gasps and jumps back out of sight before taking another deep breath.)_

**LYNN:** …Come on, Lynn, you’ve got this. You’re in control. You’re the boss… You’re the boss… You’re the boss…

_(She rounds the corner again, then rapidly retreats.)_

**LYNN:** _…You are so NOT the boss!_

_(She runs back around the corner into the hall she started in, then falls to her knees, shaking and breathing heavily. After a moment, she slaps herself and shakes her head.)_

**LYNN:** _Come on,_ Lynn! What are you doing?! This isn’t you!

_(As Lynn talks to herself in the second-person, a few students passing by watch her bemusedly. One couple, a boy and a girl, look at each other, shrug, and continue on their way; another boy tries to pass by while averting his gaze.)_

**LYNN:** I mean, you’re _Lynn Loud_ – Royal Woods Middle’s very own all-star athlete! How many other girls have a nearly filled-out FLIBBR? _(rolls up sleeve)_ Huh? How many other girls can say that they’ve led their teams to _five_ championships, huh? You did all that, and now you’re choking at the thought of _talking to a guy?!_ I-I mean, sure, he’s the cutest, coolest guy you’ve ever met, but… but…

_(She gulps, then shakes her head again.)_

**LYNN:** _NO!_ That right there is a _loser’s attitude!_ Are you a _loser,_ Lynn Loud? _Are you?! HECK NO!_ So get out there, talk to that guy, and show him that _you’re a WINNER!_

_(She stands up, huffing and puffing, sufficiently psyched up. Then, she catches herself, and clears her throat.)_

**LYNN:** …But play it cool.

_(Shot of two boys in the foreground looking at Lynn, who is marching back down the hall in the background. They turn back around – towards the audience – and one of them jabs his thumb at Lynn, then makes the cuckoo sign. The other one snickers. Cut to Lynn walking down the next hall, up to Francisco, whose back is turned to her. She takes a deep breath, then, as casually as possible:)_

**LYNN:** Hey, Francisco, how’s it goin’? You got a minute?

**FRANCISCO:** Hm? Oh, hey Lynn, hang on a minute…

**LYNN:** Huh?

_(It’s only now that Lynn notices that Francisco is in the middle of a conversation with a girl with blonde hair styled into pigtails, freckles, a turquoise dress, and matching shoes over white kneesocks.)_

**FRANCISCO:** Come on, Madeleine, at least give it some thought…!

**MADELEINE:** I’ve given it _plenty_ of thought, Francisco, and my mind is made up: I’m quitting the cheerleading team.

**FRANCISCO:** Aw, _c’mooon…!_ You look so _good_ in a cheerleader’s uniform!

**MADELEINE:** You see? _That’s_ what I’m talking about – _that’s_ the problem, right there. People just see cheerleaders as… as… _symbols,_ you know? A specific kind of symbol that I’m not comfortable with saying out loud.

**FRANCISCO:** That’s not true!

_(Madeleine gives Francisco a wry look.)_

**FRANCISCO:** …Okay, so it’s a _little_ true. But it can’t be all _that_ bad! Don’t you like doing it? Don’t you like being a part of a team effort?

**MADELEINE:** It’s not worth being objectified over. I’m sorry, Francisco, but I’m telling the captain today that I’m quitting.

**FRANCISCO:** _(sighs) Fiiiine…_ _(grins slyly)_ But could you at least ask to keep the uniform?

**MADELEINE:** _(rolling her eyes)_ You’re such a perv, Francisco…

**FRANCISCO:** Only because it’s you, Maddy. _(pecks her on the lips; Lynn gapes in shock)_ Only because it’s you.

**MADELEINE:** _Heh._ How… _flattering._ _(turns and waves goodbye)_ See you in Biology, _perv…_

**FRANCISCO:** “Biology”? They should call it “Chemistry” – ‘cause there’s so much of that going on in there when we’re together…

**MADELEINE:** …Have you been saving that one, or did you just make it up on the fly?

**FRANCISCO:** _Heh…_ _(raises a finger to his lips)_ That’ll be my little secret…

_(Madeleine giggles, then blows a kiss to Francisco, who catches it and holds it to his heart as he waves her off. He turns around to face Lynn.)_

**FRANCISCO:** Uh, sorry about that, Lynn. What did you want, again?

_(Lynn looks devastated. She gulps, wipes her eyes, and tries to put on a brave face.)_

**LYNN:** U-Um… I… I… wanted… to say…

**FRANCISCO:** Yeah?

**LYNN:** I… _(starts shaking and balling and unballing her hands)_ Ah… S- _See you in class!_

_(She takes off in the opposite direction.)_

**FRANCISCO:** Oh –! Oh… _kay?_ Wait… do we even _have_ any classes together…?

_(Meanwhile, Lynn runs down the halls, eyes shut tight, right towards a skinny-looking boy with neat blond hair and glasses.)_

**BOY:** Hey, w – _OOF!_

_(Not seeing him, Lynn plows right into and through him, knocking him into the lockers while she dashes away.)_

**BOY:** _(slides down to the ground) Ohhhh…_

_(Lynn runs outside, makes sure that there’s no-one around, and starts pounding the wall with her fists, continuing until her knuckles are split and bleeding. Panting, looking at the mess she made of her hands, she crouches down with her back against the wall, pulling her knees in as she curls up into a ball.)_

(…)

_(Cut to an establishing shot of 1216 Franklin Avenue – the Loud house – the next day. It’s game night, and the siblings are all gathered around the dinner table, playing Snakes and Ladders. Lynn sits at her usual end of the table, moping.)_

**LORI:** Okay, Lincoln – your turn!

_(Lincoln takes and rolls the die.)_

**LINCOLN:** Six! _(moves his piece)_ One, two, three, four, five… six! _Yes!_ Ladder, going up, all the way to… the top.

_(His piece has reached the end of the board ahead of all the others. Beat.)_

**LINCOLN:** I… I won. I actually _won?_

**LENI:** Yay! Congratulations, Linky!

**LINCOLN:** Yeah, but – well, thank you, Leni – b-but that means that Lynn…!

_(All the other siblings remember what happened the last time Lynn lost a board game against them and turn to her, dreading her reaction.)_

**LYNN:** …Hm? Oh, yeah, congrats, Lincoln. Good game, and… stuff…

_(The others exchange baffled looks.)_

**LANA:** Lynn? You’re… You’re not mad?

**LYNN:** …Why’d I be mad?

**LANA:** I thought you _hated_ losing at board games…

**LYNN:** Who _doesn’t_ hate losing? But we all lose sometimes… _(quietly)_ _Me especially…_

_(Now the others exchange concerned looks. Beat.)_

**LUNA:** Uhhh… dude? Is everything alright?

**LYNN:** …Huh? “Alright”? ‘Course everything’s alright. Why wouldn’t… _(indiscernible mumbling)_ …be alright?

**LORI:** Well, maybe because it doesn’t _sound_ like everything’s alright! Lynn, what’s wrong? Did something happen?

_(Lynn’s eyes dart back and forth, feeling everyone’s gazes on her.)_

**LYNN:** _Uggggghhhh…_ _I don’t wanna talk about_ _iiiiit…!_

**LENI:** Lynn, we can’t help you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong…

_(Beat. Then, Lynn shakes her head.)_

**LYNN:** _(scoffs)_ “Help” me? “Help” _me?_ Lynn Loud doesn’t need _“help”!_ Lynn Loud is a solid rock – indomitable, hardy, and _immovable!_

**LISA:** Well, if _Lynn Loud_ is so emotionally stable, then why is _Lynn Loud_ speaking in the third person, _Lisa_ Loud asks?

**LENI:** “Third person”? Wait, you mean there’s a _third_ Lynn Loud besides Lynn and Dad? But that would mean…! _(gasps) Lynn! Are you PREGNANT?!_

**LYNN:** _What?! No, I’m not preg –_ _(stops, then runs her hands down her face)_ _Ugggggghhhhhh…_ I give up… _(sighs)_ Okay, look, guys: today, I _finally_ decided to talk to Francisco, and ask him out on a date.

**LENI:** _Francisco_ got you pregnant?

**LYNN:** _(slams the table) I AM **NOT** PREGNANT!_

**LENI:** You guys, she’s having mood swings! _Totes_ a sign of pregnancy…

_(Lynn plants her face in the table. Hard.)_

**LYNN:** Oh. My _gosh._ Somebody help me, I’m legit about to have an aneurysm over here…

**LORI:** Uh… Hey, Leni, kind of a weird time to bring this up, but I was just going through our closet, and I found a couple moths…

**LENI:** Moths? _(gasps, bolts upright)_ _Oh, no! They’ll eat holes in all my dresses!_

_(Everyone watches as Leni rushes into the kitchen, grabs a can of bug spray, and runs back through the dining room, into the living room, and up the stairs to her and Lori’s bedroom as fast as she can. Beat. Then, Lori turns back to Lynn.)_

**LORI:** …So, I mean, just to be clear: You’re _not_ preg –?

**LYNN:** _For the love of Savino, **NO!**_

**LORI:** Okay, okay. _(clears throat)_ And just so you know, if you _were,_ then we would support you 100 percent in whatever you chose to do.

**LYNN:** _Noted._ Now, can we _PLEASE_ move on?!

**LINCOLN:** Okay, so you decided to ask Francisco out on a date, and…?

**LYNN:** And… _(sighs)_ …and I find out he’s got a girlfriend now.

**LOLA:** Ooh…

**LUAN:** _Ouch…_

**LUNA:** Wicked bummer, man…

**LANA:** That’s rough, buddy…

**LISA:** You have my sympathies, fifth eldest sibling – meager as they are, given my aversion to normal human emotions…

**LYNN:** Thanks. I still don’t feel any better, but… thanks.

**LUCY:** Indeed not. Heartbreak – a wound that neither blade nor bludgeon can inflict. To feel your love stolen away, your hope crushed… the pain would be like to a sundering of the very soul –

**LYNN:** _(testily) Thank you,_ Lucy, I _know_ what it feels like. I don’t need you reminding me. _(sighs)_ …You know, I thought I was stronger than this. I thought I could take on any pain imaginable. But _this… (shakes her head)_ …this just isn’t fair. Flag on the play…

_(Lynn’s siblings give her pitying looks. Lori places a hand on Lynn’s shoulder.)_

**LORI:** …No-one’s _ever_ ready for heartbreak, Lynn. We understand.

**LYNN:** Do you? Isn’t Bobby the first, and _only,_ guy you’ve dated?

**LORI:** W-Well, yeah, but –

**LYNN:** Then how would _you_ understand? Sorry not _all_ of us find our soulmates in our first relationship…

**LORI:** Lynn, I’m not going to pretend my relationship with Bobby has been perfect. We’ve had our bumps, and he’s even broken up with me before – _briefly,_ granted, but I was still broken up about it, as I’m sure Lincoln can attest…

**LINCOLN:** Oh, yeah – she was so upset, she almost threw an _end table_ at me! Lifted it up right over her head like it was nothing!

**LORI:** Yeah… sorry about that, by the way. You know I’d never hurt you _that_ badly, right?

**LINCOLN:** Yeah, I know, Lori. You were just _really_ upset; I get it.

**LORI:** Yeah… Anyways, Lynn, I _do_ know how it feels. You’re not alone.

**LYNN:** If you say so. _(sighs)_ …You know what the worst part is? This is entirely _my_ fault. If I hadn’t dragged my feet like I did, gotten butterflies in my stomach, then maybe… I don’t know – maybe I could’ve gotten together with him, you know? I mean, we have a lot in common… _(sighs, shakes head)_ But _nope –_ you snooze, you lose…

**LUNA:** C’mon, dude, don’t beat yourself up over it. I mean, I was _terrified_ that Sam would reject me – that’s why it took me so long to confess to her!

**LUAN:** Yeah, and _I_ was so nervous about kissing Benny in the school play that I kept stalling and putting it off – and I nearly blew my chance at a relationship as a result!

**LYNN:** Yeah… but it worked out for _you_ in the end, didn’t it?

**LUNA:** Dude, that’s not what we meant…

**LYNN:** I know. _(sighs yet again, gets up)_ Look, guys, I see what you’re trying to do here, okay? And I appreciate it – really, I do. But right now, it’s just like… _(shakes head)_ _…whatever,_ you know? _Whatever._ _(goes around the table, shaking everyone’s hands)_ Good game, everyone. Good job. Congrats, Lincoln. I’ll be in my room if anyone needs me.

_(Lynn starts to leave, but stops right before heading up the stairs.)_

**LYNN:** Oh, and do me a favor? _Don’t need me._ Thanks.

_(With that, she heads up the stairs, and we hear her shut the door to her and Lucy’s room. Back at the dinner table, she’s brought the whole mood down to her level.)_

**LINCOLN:** Gosh, I’ve never seen Lynn so… so… _downbeat,_ you know?

**LUCY:** As I’ve said: _heartbreak._ It destroys the strongest of souls…

**LOLA:** I never thought I’d say this, but: poor Lynn…

**LUAN:** “And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout; but there is no joy in the Loud house – mighty Lynn Loud has struck out.” _(laughs)_

**LORI:** Not now, Luan…

**LUAN:** _(laughter dies down)_ Ah… Sorry.

**LUCY:** Leave the depressing poetry to _me,_ please.

**LOLA:** Oh, I wish there were something we could do to make Lynn feel better…

_(Everyone else nods in agreement. We focus on Lori, who gets a curious look, as though she was getting an idea…)_

(…)

_(Scene transition. Establishing shot of the Loud house, with the caption “Two Days Later”. Lynn is in her room, lying on her bed and bouncing her tennis ball against the wall with a glazed expression. Lori walks into the doorway and knocks on the open door.)_

**LORI:** Hey, Lynn. How’re you feeling?

_(Lynn doesn’t look at her, barely acknowledging her presence as she continues bouncing her ball.)_

**LYNN:** _…Meh._

**LORI:** Thought so. _(sits on bed, next to Lynn)_ Luckily for you, I have a solution!

**LYNN:** _(stops bouncing her ball and looks at Lori)_ Hm?

**LORI:** We’re gonna go out tomorrow and hit the gym – work off all that stress you’re carrying around!

**LYNN:** …Doesn’t sound too bad, but _you_ want to go to the gym?

**LORI:** Sure! I-I mean, not that I really _need_ it, just…

_(Lori scratches her chin self-consciously.)_

**LORI:** _Ahem…_ A-Anyways, after that, we can head to the mall and grab some food before catching a movie – I hear the cool new martial arts movie just started playing!

**LYNN:** _You_ want to watch a martial arts movie?

**LORI:** Well, it doesn’t matter what _I_ want – it’s what _you_ want that matters! _(takes Lynn’s hand)_ Listen, you’re not going to feel any better sitting here, stewing in your bad feelings. You should get out; do some things you enjoy doing! And that’s what I’m offering to you, Lynn. Girls’ night out. What do you say?

**LYNN:** I… I don’t know, Lori, I –

_(Just then, Leni pops in.)_

**LENI:** Hey, Lynn! How’s my favorite roomie?

**LYNN:** Uh… _(looks at Lori)_ …kinda busy, honestly.

**LENI:** Great! ‘Cuz _guess what?_

_(Lynn looks at Lori again, and Lori just shrugs, as if to say, “Might as well…” Lynn sighs.)_

**LYNN:** …Okay, _what?_

**LENI:** _(holds out a coupon)_ I just found a coupon for a _free_ spa day for two that I’d been saving for a special occasion and _totes_ forgot about until now! I _hate_ seeing you like this, so I thought I’d redeem it and take you along! What do you say? Deep tissue massages, saunas, mud baths – doesn’t that sound like fun?

**LYNN:** Well… Wait, are you sure that coupon’s not expi –

**LANA:** _Did someone say “mud baths”?!_

**LYNN:** _(facepalms) Oy vey…_

**LENI:** Yeah – I did!

**LANA:** Aww, Leni, _no fair!_ You stole my idea!

**LENI:** Huh? What “idea”? I didn’t steal anything!

**LANA:** Yeah- _huh!_ I was gonna take Lynn out to play in the mud patch with me and my friends to cheer her up, and _you_ just suggested the same thing! _Idea-stealer!_

**SPOOKY VOICE:** _Oh, SHE’S the idea-stealer?_

_(Everyone jumps in fright. Lucy is revealed to be sitting on her bed, unnoticed until now.)_

**LORI:** _Lucy!_ How long have you been there?!

**LUCY:** Long enough.

_(Lori, Leni, and Lana look creeped out, but Lynn just shakes her head – she’s used to this kind of stuff from her roommate.)_

**LUCY:** Long enough to hear that you’re trying to cheer Lynn up – which is what _I_ was planning on doing…

**LYNN:** Really? Jeez, Luce, and here I thought you didn’t _have_ a heart…

**LUCY:** I do – a shriveled, black, miserable little thing, but it’s there. _(whips out Great-Grandma Harriet’s book of spells)_ I can cast a hex on Francisco for you – one that will leave him no choice but to fall madly in love with you…

**LYNN:** _(sighs)_ Lucy, you _know_ that stuff doesn’t work, right?

**LOLA:** Of _course_ it doesn’t work!

**LYNN:** _(growls)_ Guys, I never said you could come in!

**LOLA:** _(ignoring her)_ And it won’t, _ever,_ as long as Lynn is the way she is now!

**LYNN:** What? _What_ am I like now?!

**LOLA:** Uncouth; unrefined; _unladylike_ in almost every way! No guy wants to date a girl like _that!_

_(Lynn starts, taken aback. Normally, she’d pound a person into mush for saying something like that to her, but after seeing Francisco with a more feminine girl, Lola’s insensitive comment has touched a nerve. Also, well… it’s Lola.)_

**LYNN:** I… I’m not…!

_(Still ignoring Lynn, Lola holds up her hand.)_

**LOLA:** _But!_ Never fear, my dear – your dear sister Lola is kind enough to not only teach you all the ways of being a proper lady, but also give you a full _(sing-song)_ _makeoverrrrr!_

**LYNN:** I… But I…

_(As if on cue, Luna, Luan, and Lincoln all pop in and speak over each other.)_

**LINCOLN:** Lynn!

**LUAN:** Hey, Lynn!

**LUNA:** Yo, dude!

**LUNA, LUAN, AND LINCOLN:** I felt bad for you after what happened with Francisco, so I went out and found you the _perfect_ guy to date instead!

_(The three of them stop, blink, and look at each other. Beat.)_

**LUAN:** Uhhhh… _jinx?_

_(And finally, of course, Lisa walks in.)_

**LISA:** _Pssh…_ You’re all thinking so _circuitously._ Why suffer through all of that nonsense when one can simply manually stimulate the brain to release endorphins, simultaneously improving the mood of the subject while circumventing all possible social interactions?

**LENI:** Uh, _no!_ Lynn doesn’t want to be _experimentated on_ – she wants to be _pampered!_

**LUNA:** No, she wants someone to date!

**LUCY:** No, she wants _Francisco_ to date!

**LORI:** No, you guys, she wants to hang out with me!

**LANA:** No, _me!_

**LOLA:** _ME!_

_(Pretty soon, everyone is arguing over who gets to cheer Lynn up. Lynn herself stares befuddled at the whole group before shaking her head in exasperation, grabbing a whistle from her nightstand, and blowing it hard, grabbing everyone’s attention.)_

**LYNN:** Guys, _listen:_ I appreciate the thought and all, but _this…_ This is not helping. In fact, it’s kinda making everything _worse…_

_(Everyone looks guilty. Beat.)_

**LENI:** You guys… Lynn’s right. We’ve been so preoccupied with trying to make ourselves look and feel good, we’ve forgotten about _Lynn’s_ feelings…

**LYNN:** Thank you, Leni…

**LENI:** …so we should let _her_ choose who to listen to!

_(Everyone else nods in agreement, and they all turn to Lynn expectantly.)_

**LYNN:** What? No, no, guys, that’s not what I…

_(Everyone keeps on looking at Lynn, waiting for her decision. She slumps her shoulders, sighing.)_

**LYNN:** …You know what? I guess it’s worth a shot. _(takes a deep breath)_ …Luna? Luan? Lincoln? I’ll go with your suggestion.

_(Luna, Luan, and Lincoln celebrate, while the others, save for Leni, are disappointed.)_

**LANA:** Aw, _come on,_ Lynn…!

**LENI:** Lana, it’s _Lynn’s_ decision. Respect it.

**LINCOLN:** Trust me, Lynn, you won’t be disappointed – I’ve got a _great_ guy lined up for you!

**LUNA:** No way, bro: _my_ guy’s the one for her!

**LUAN:** You’re _both_ wrong –!

**LYNN:** Guys, guys, _hey!_ Let’s not start that again, alright?

**LISA:** Siblings, I propose an addendum to this plan of action. Seeing as how each of us wishes to enhance the mood of our sibling, and there is no guarantee that one of the three candidates Luna, Luan, and Lincoln have selected will be chosen by Lynn as her romantic partner, I suggest that _all_ of us contribute a candidate for Lynn to examine and either accept or reject.

**LYNN:** Hm… not a bad idea. Wait, wait – how am I supposed to get through _eight_ guys to date?

**LORI:** You guys, I’ve got it – _speed dating!_

**LANA:** “Speed dating”?

**LORI:** We give Lynn ten minutes with each guy, she gets to know him, and if she doesn’t like him, she rejects him and moves on to the next one until she finds one that she likes! That’s how Becky’s mom met her stepdad, you know!

**LENI:** Joshua? O M Gosh, I _love_ Joshua!

**LORI:** I know – he’s _literally_ hilarious!

_(Leni and Lori share a laugh.)_

**LORI:** So, what do you think, Lynn?

_(By now, Lynn has a smile on her face. She strokes her chin.)_

**LYNN:** …You know what? I’m actually getting a little pumped about this. _(stands with arms akimbo)_ All right, guys, you’re on – _find me a boyfriend!_

_(Everyone else cheers, anticipating the new challenge.)_

**LORI:** Okay, guys, but if we’re going to do this, we need to coordinate. First, we’ll settle on a time and location, and then we’ll give everyone who doesn’t already have a date lined up to two days to find one, and make sure that they’re able to come _to_ that location, _at_ that time. If not, then we’ll figure something out ahead of time. Sound good?

_(Everyone nods.)_

**LORI:** All right. So, anyone got any suggestions?

_(Everyone raises their hand.)_

(…)

_(The next scene opens at Kiley’s Kafé, a quaint little joint downtown, a few days later. Lynn is sitting at a booth inside with a blueberry muffin in front of her, and Lori is standing next to the table, while everyone else sits at tables outside.)_

**LORI:** Okay, Lynn, so this is how it’s going to go. You get ten minutes maximum with each guy. Try to find out as much as you can about them as you can – we’ll have told you everything they need to know about you already. We’ll be watching from out there. If you decide that you don’t like a guy, signal to us at any time. Okay?

**LYNN:** Roger-dodger!

**LORI:** All right.

_(Luna opens the front door, calling to Lori and Lynn.)_

**LUNA:** Dudes! He’s here!

**LORI:** Oh! Right on time! Good luck, Lynn!

**LYNN:** _Hah!_ I don’t _need_ luck!

_(Beat.)_

**LYNN:** But, just in case…

_(She stands up and performs a bunch of bizarre good-luck rituals, then sits back down.)_

**LYNN:** Okay, I’m ready. Send him in.

_(Lori gives her a thumbs-up, then leaves. Lynn’s first date, Luna’s choice, enters shortly afterwards. He’s a 13-year-old punk with a sleeveless denim jacket, a T-shirt with some rock band Lynn’s never heard of on it, ripped faded blue jeans, spiked boots, and multicolored highlights in his hair. He’s also carrying a guitar case. It’s pretty clear why Luna picked this guy. He sits down at Lynn’s booth, setting the guitar case on the floor.)_

**BOY #1:** Hey. Lynn, right? I’m Dylan.

**LYNN:** Hi, Dylan. Nice hair!

**DYLAN:** Thanks. You’re rockin’ that jersey, too!

**LYNN:** Thanks!

**DYLAN:** You gonna eat that muffin?

**LYNN:** Nah, all yours. Too many carbs.

_(Dylan reaches over and grabs the muffin.)_

**DYLAN:** _(in a faux British accent)_ Ta. _(takes a bite)_

**LYNN:** So, tell me about yourself, Dylan…

**DYLAN:** Well… I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I’m basically a rising star around these parts. Yep… _(leans back)_ …people come to hear my music from miles around…

**LYNN:** Really? Then, how come _I’ve_ never heard of you?

**DYLAN:** Ah, you’ve gotta be a part of the music scene, you know? I’m still working my way up, haven’t hit the mainstream yet. You into rock?

**LYNN:** Nah, I’m more of an electro person.

**DYLAN:** Electro, huh? Riiiiight…

**LYNN:** I _do_ know how to play the guitar, though – my sister Luna taught me the basics. I’m nowhere _near_ her level, but I’m good enough to play in an impromptu blues band, at least…

**DYLAN:** Okay, okay… Blues has got soul, sure, but rock has got heart _and_ soul, you know? _(inspects his fingernails)_ And me, I’m a rock ‘n roll kind of guy through and through – been strummin’ at the guitar so long, I can play it easy as ringin’ a bell.

**LYNN:** Oh, yeah? How about a little serenade?

**DYLAN:** Oof… Normally, I wouldn’t grace an audience with a free show, but… for you? I suppose I can make an exception…

_(Dylan opens his guitar case, takes out his acoustic guitar, and starts playing. Unfortunately, it seems as though he exaggerated his musical abilities slightly – and by “slightly”, we mean “a lot”. It’s not so bad as to be hilarious, but just bad enough to be painful. His singing is off-key, and his voice cracks often; his guitar is out of tune; and his strumming skills are barely beginner-level. Lynn and the other café patrons wince and grit their teeth, and a dog tethered to a light post outside howls. The other Louds can hear him in there, and they glare at Luna, whose sheepish reaction tells them that she didn’t investigate this guy very thoroughly. Soon, Lynn has had enough.)_

**LYNN:** _Stop!_ Stop, stop, stop! Any more, and I think my ears will start bleeding…

**DYLAN:** _(stops, highly offended)_ Excuse _you?_

**LYNN:** Listen, bucko, I may not be a part of the “music scene”, but I’ve heard enough music to tell you that _that…_ was _not_ “music” by _any_ stretch of the imagination.

_(Beat, as Dylan glares at her. Then, he starts to pack up.)_

**DYLAN:** _Hmph…_ It’s always the same, everywhere I go… People can’t recognize talent even if it sneaks up behind them and bites them on the rear end! _(slams guitar case shut)_ Fine – if you can’t appreciate my musical genius, let alone what a nice guy I am, then _fine!_ It’s _your_ loss, baby!

**LYNN:** _(under her breath)_ Oh, you’re a “Nice GuyTM”, all right… _(calls to siblings) Next!_

(…)

_(Lynn’s next date is Lincoln’s choice: a freckled 11-year-old with buck teeth and a messy head of curly red hair who carries himself rather highly. He sits down at the booth.)_

**BOY #2:** Well, _good afternoon,_ my dear…

**LYNN:** Hey, wait a minute, I think I’ve seen you before… Aren’t you Lincoln’s friend? Randy?

**BOY #2:** Oho, I see my reputation precedes me! The name is Rusty, milady – Rusty Spokes. A pleasure.

**LYNN:** Yeah, we’ve met be –

**RUSTY:** So… Lincoln tells me that you're looking for someone to go steady with? Gotta say, you couldn't have picked better than the Rust-man!

**LYNN:** Uh, yeah, so –

**RUSTY:** I mean, I don't mean to brag, but... okay, maybe I mean to brag a _little,_ but I'm pretty much the coolest guy you'll ever meet!

**LYNN:** Actions speak louder th –

**RUSTY:** The ladies just can't get _enough_ of the Rust-man, you know what I'm saying? I don't even try all that hard – it's just in my _nature,_ you know what I mean?

**LYNN:** Would you _let me_ _fi_ –

**RUSTY:** Lincoln’s told me quite a bit about you – he tells me you like to play _rough._ Well, just so you know, I can handle “rough” – I once dated a girl named Polly Pain, and she _really_ lived up to the name! Just something for you to chew on…

_(Lynn grabs the partially-eaten blueberry muffin.)_

**LYNN:** _Chew on this, ya blowhard!_

_(She stuffs the muff… in… in Rusty’s mouth, muffling him with the muffin. Rusty is surprised and kinda upset, but at the same time, he can’t be too mad, because the muffin is pretty good. Lynn sits folding her arms and frowning.)_

**LYNN:** …Yeah, if you haven’t guessed yet, we’re done here. _(calls to siblings) Next!_

(…)

_(Next up is Luan’s choice – a familiar looking blond kid, with a green shirt and khaki cargo pants hanging off a thin frame and a high, reedy voice. It’s obvious from the start that this kid is a wimp.)_

**BOY #3:** Hi, Lynn! It’s so nice to finally meet you properly!

_(Lynn looks him up and down. She’s not impressed with what she sees.)_

**LYNN:** …Uh-huh.

**BOY #3:** Oh, but where are my manners? I’m Zach. Call me Prez.

**LYNN:** “Prez”?

**PREZ:** Oh, yeah, see, funny thing –

**LYNN:** Yeah, yeah, I don’t care.

**PREZ:** O-Oh. Uh, okay then. _(clears throat)_ So, um, I hear you like sports. I like sports, too! You know, I think the Lions _really_ struck gold with the draft this season –

**LYNN:** Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen, buddy, did Luan tell you anything about me?

**PREZ:** Oh, yeah – tons!

**LYNN:** Then, it never occurred to you that I might want to date someone more like me? Someone, I don’t know… _strong?_

**PREZ:** “Strong”? You kidding? Look at these guns!

_(He rolls up his sleeve, revealing a gangly arm, and flexes his non-existent bicep. Lynn remains unimpressed.)_

**LYNN:** …Uh-huh. _Real_ impressive. _(gets an idea)_ …I don’t suppose you can _prove_ how strong you are with a little test of strength, do you?

**PREZ:** _Bring it ON!_

**LYNN:** …All right, _tough guy,_ put your money where your mouth is. _(lays her arm on the table, hand in the air)_ Arm wrestling. Right now. _Let’s go._

**PREZ:** Oh, you’re going _down,_ missy!

_(He lays his arm on the table and clasps Lynn’s hand.)_

**LYNN:** One…

**PREZ:** Two…

**LYNN AND PREZ:** _Three!_

_(The match begins. Prez strains and pushes, but he’s unable to make Lynn budge. Lynn stares him down with a smug grin on her face.)_

**PREZ:** _Hnnngh…! Huff…! Hrrrrgh…! Whoof…!_ Wow! You’re putting up a real fight…!

**LYNN:** …Hm? Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize we’d started.

_(Effortlessly, she slams Prez’s hand down on the table, hard.)_

**PREZ:** _Ow!_

**LYNN:** Game! _I win! (laughs as Prez cradles his hand)_ Yeah, as you can see, I play rough. _Real_ rough. Not a whole lot of guys can handle me. So, there’s no shame in –

**PREZ:** _(puts arm back on the table) Rematch! Rematch!_

_(Lynn sighs. Montage of Lynn beating Prez over and over at arm wrestling, slamming his hand into the table again and again, with Prez crying “Ow!” each time. By the end, Prez’s hand is bruised and swollen.)_

**PREZ:** Oh… that’s 35 losses in a row…! _(lays his arm on the table) Wanna go again?_

_(Lynn sighs heavily. Shaking her head, she decides to lay it out clearly.)_

**LYNN:** …Look. Buddy. “A” for effort, and all that jazz, but you’ve just got to understand – I’m looking for a guy who can keep up with me. A guy who’s on _my_ level. A guy… who can give me what you can’t.

**PREZ:** Wha…? Wh… What can’t I…?

**LYNN:** Listen, I’m sorry, but… the truth is, you’re just not my type.

_(Prez sags in his seat, crestfallen.)_

**PREZ:** O-Oh… okay…

**LYNN:** Mm-hmm. _(calls to siblings) Next!_

(…)

**LYNN:** …Oh, come on – _you_ want to date me?!

_(The person seated in the booth opposite Lynn is revealed to be Lincoln.)_

**LINCOLN:** What? No! I just came to ask you to give Rusty another chance!

**LYNN:** Why should I?

**LINCOLN:** Because he’s got the newest _Muscle Fish_ game, and he won’t let me play it unless I help him get a date!

_(Beat.)_

**LYNN:** …Lincoln, _get out of here._

**LINCOLN:** Come on, Lynn! Do it for _me?_

**LYNN:** _GET OUT!_

**LINCOLN:** _(huffs) Fine!_ _(gets up and leaves)_ Rude…!

_(Lincoln rejoins the rest of his siblings outside.)_

**LUAN:** I don’t get it… I thought I had the _perfect_ guy for Lynn!

**LENI:** Come on, Luan – Lynn clearly wants an athletic guy to date! And I’ve got just the one…!

_(She looks down the street.)_

**LENI:** Oh! Here he comes now!

_(Cut back to inside, where Lynn is still sitting at her booth, fuming after her little spat with Lincoln. When Leni comes through the door with her choice, however, her bad mood instantly disappears. The young man with Leni is a ridiculously hunky African American guy with cornrow braids, a goatee, and chiseled features all around. Lynn leans forward, out of her seat, eating the eye candy, as Leni leads him to her.)_

**LYNN:** Whoa, _hello…!_

**LENI:** Lynn, this is Deshawn. I met him while Mom and Dad were making me, Lori, and Luna study at the community college.

**DESHAWN:** Lori, Luna, and _I._

**LENI:** No, silly, they didn’t make _you_ study there! _(laughs)_ Isn’t he funny? Well, have fun, you two…

_(Leni leaves the two of them to it.)_

**LYNN:** _Hiiii, Deshawn… (giggles)_ Boy, Leni sure knows how to pick ‘em, huh?

_(Deshawn doesn’t sit down. A very awkward beat ensues.)_

**DESHAWN:** Yyyyeah… Uh…

**LYNN:** …W-What’s wrong?

**DESHAWN:** See, the thing is… when Leni asked me out on this date, she kinda didn’t tell me that it was with _you,_ not _her…_

**LYNN:** _(deflates like a balloon)_ O-Oh…

_(Seeing how disappointed Lynn is, Deshawn shakes his head.)_

**DESHAWN:** …But hey – what the heck? I’ll give this date a shot, anyways…

_(Lynn squeals and titters with delight as Deshawn sits down.)_

**DESHAWN:** So, how old are you, Lynn?

**LYNN:** Thirteen…

**DESHAWN:** _Aaaaand_ I’m out.

_(He immediately gets up and leaves, much to Lynn’s immense disappointment.)_

(…)

_(Outside, Leni is reeling after seeing Deshawn leave.)_

**LENI:** She turned down _Deshawn?_ O M _Gosh,_ you guys, _I can’t even!_

**LORI:** Looks a lot like _Deshawn_ turned _her_ down, Leni. Honestly, it’s the same problem as with Hugh. _Ah, Hugh…_

_(She makes that weird noise that she makes whenever she thinks of Hugh, and the other girls sigh. Lincoln rolls his eyes.)_

**LINCOLN:** Ugh… Okay, Lori, so what special guy did _you_ pick, hm?

**LORI:** Oh, _I_ didn’t pick this one – _Bobby_ did.

**LINCOLN:** Huh? Bobby?

_(The Louds hear a very distinctive horn, and the Casagrande Mercado van pulls up in front of Kiley’s Kafé.)_

**LORI:** _Ohhh,_ here they are now!

**LOLA:** Are you _sure_ you trust Bobby’s judgement, Lori?

**LORI:** With my _life!_ Boo-Boo Bear knows best, after all…

_(Cut to a furious Lynn storming out of the café and towards Lori.)_

**LYNN:** _You… tried to set me up… with CJ CASAGRANDE?!_

_(Lincoln is facepalming; everyone else is glaring at Lori, who has a nervous smile frozen on her face.)_

**LORI:** _No,_ Lynn – of _course_ not! _(points at Bobby)_ _Bobby_ did.

**BOBBY:** Yeah! And what’s wrong with CJ? Everybody likes CJ!

_(Lynn sputters angrily, knowing that she can’t say anything without sounding politically incorrect. Lola turns to Lori.)_

**LOLA:** Hmph – _“Boo-Boo Bear knows best”,_ huh?

_(Lori is about to make a rebuttal, but slumps over and sighs, admitting defeat.)_

**LORI:** Wait here – I’ll fix this…

_(She goes inside. Lynn and the others follow her. CJ is at the booth, practicing his pirate fencing with a knife.)_

**LORI:** Hey, CJ?

**CJ:** Hi, Lori! Thanks for helping me find a girlfriend!

**LORI:** Oh, CJ, sweetie, I’m afraid there’s been a misunderstanding…

**CJ:** Huh? What do you mean?

**LORI:** Listen, CJ, you _really_ don’t want Lynn as your girlfriend. She’s rude, bossy, gross, overbearing… Also leans towards the smelly side, too. Plus, she’s not that good to look at, what with all those freckles, and that pug nose, and her _terribly_ messy hair…

_(She goes on and on, listing each and every one of Lynn’s faults. The camera pans right to show that it’s taking the combined strength of everyone to keep Lynn from strangling Lori.)_

**LORI:** …and _that’s_ why you shouldn’t date Lynn. Okay?

**CJ:** Oh… Okay…

_(CJ gets up and leaves, looking sad. Seeing him leave, Lynn is at least appeased enough to stop trying to throttle Lori. Everyone collapses to the floor from exhaustion due to holding her back. CJ stands over Bobby.)_

**CJ:** Bobby… can we go now?

**BOBBY:** _(stands up, panting)_ …Sure, bro! Hey, tell you what – why don’t we stop somewhere to eat while we’re here? How about Burpin’ Burger?

**CJ:** _(gasps)_ The one with the ball pit?!

**BOBBY:** Oh, yeah, I _love_ the ball pit! C’mon, let’s go!

_(Cheering and laughing, Bobby and CJ run outside, hop in the van, and drive off. The Louds watch them leave. Lynn utters a long, weary sigh.)_

**LYNN:** …Glad _that’s_ over. Okay… who’s next?

(…)

_(Cut to Lynn sitting back at the booth. Paula, Lynn’s perpetually-injured teammate, hobbles over to the booth on her crutch and sits down.)_

**LYNN:** Paula?

**PAULA:** Uh… hey, Lynn…

**LYNN:** What are _you_ doing here?

**PAULA:** Oh, uh… I… I thought we, uh… Uh… I… D-Didn’t you want to go out on a date?

**LYNN:** “Date”? What are you – _(beat)_ Wait… _what?_ A-A _date?_ _Here?_ With _me?!_

**PAULA:** Yeah, I gotta say, Lynn, when your little sister Lana came up to me and asked me if I wanted to go out on a date with you, I was pretty surprised. But… _(starts playing with her ponytail)_ Well, I… I-I-I, um, I… _thought_ about it, and I… Well… I…

_(She looks at Lynn out of the corner of her eye, blushing.)_

**PAULA:** I don’t exactly… _hate_ it…

_(There is a long, awkward pause. Then, Lynn stands up, laughing nervously.)_

**LYNN:** _Ahahahaha… WOW!_ Uh, _heh, heh, heh…_ Yeah, um… L-Listen, just, uh… h- _hold that thought,_ and I will, uh… I’ll… I’m… u-uh… _be right back!_

_(Lynn rushes out of that place as fast as she can – which is pretty fast – and makes straight for Lana.)_

**LYNN:** Lana, _WHY did you set me up on a date with PAULA?!_

**LANA:** Well, I figured that you wanted to date someone you had a lot in common with, and she had a lot in common with you, that’s all…

**LYNN:** But she’s a _girl!_

**LANA:** So?

**LYNN:** _I can’t date a GIRL!_

**LANA:** Why not? Luna dates Sam, and Sam’s a girl! _(Beat)_ At least, I’m _pretty_ sure she’s a girl…

**LUNA:** _(offscreen) I heard that!_

**LANA:** _(turns around in her seat)_ I _know_ you heard that – you’re _right behind me!_

_(Zoom out to reveal that Luna is, in fact, sitting right behind Lana, at another table. Luna faces back forwards and pouts.)_

**LANA:** …Anyways, Luna dates Sam, and no-one has a problem with _that!_

**LYNN:** Lana, just because girls _can_ date other girls, doesn’t mean all of them _WANT to!_

_(Beat.)_

**LANA:** _…Really?_

**LYNN:** _(facepalming)_ Oh, my… _(sighs)_ Okay, look, _look._ Luna, _please_ explain to Lana why her line of reasoning is wrong, okay?! _I’ll_ try to salvage this!

**LUNA:** Dude! Why do _I_ have to tell her?

**LYNN:** It’s because of _you_ that this misconception happened in the first place! Just _deal with it,_ all right?!

_(Growling in exasperation, Lynn heads back inside and seats herself back at the booth with Paula. She takes a deep breath, steadying herself for what must be done.)_

**LYNN:** …Okay, Paula… _listen._

**PAULA:** Yes, Lynn?

**LYNN:** You know we’re friends, right?

**PAULA:** Of course!

**LYNN:** And… I value that friendship a lot, you know?

**PAULA:** Oh, of course, Lynn! So do I!

**LYNN:** Yeahhhh… And, see… The thing is… I… don’t want to do anything to _compromise_ that friendship, okay?

**PAULA:** Oh, don’t worry, Lynn – I won’t do _anything_ to –!

**LYNN:** No… No, Paula, you don’t understand…

**PAULA:** W… What…?

**LYNN:** The thing is… I’m afraid that if we go through with… _this…_ then _that_ will compromise our friendship, see? So, I just wan –

**PAULA:** Lynn? A-Are you… _breaking up with me?_

_(Another, even longer, awkward pause ensues. Then, Lynn turns to call to her siblings.)_

**LYNN:** _Next!_

**PAULA:** W-Was it something I sai –?

**LYNN:** _NEEEEXT!_

(…)

_(By now, Lynn is dreading who might come next to date her. To her pleasant surprise, though, Lola’s choice seems fairly normal. He looks to be about 13 years old, multiracial, with light brown hair, almond-shaped eyes, wearing a blue shirt, dark green pants, and flip-flops. He sits down at the booth.)_

**BOY #6:** Well, hey there! My name is Noel. I’m just _tickled_ to meet you!

**LYNN:** Hey, Noel! Name’s Lynn. Charmed.

**NOEL:** Gee-golly-gosh, Lynn, Lola’s told me lots about you! You seem like a real swell gal!

**LYNN:** Well, thanks! But I’m afraid you have me at a disadvantage. Tell me about yourself, Noel!

**NOEL:** Oh, jeepers, where to begin? Well, let’s see: I’m 13 years old; I have one brother and one sister; my hobbies include skateboarding and babysitting; I enjoy watching cartoons, but not like _kids_ cartoons, more like cartoons that a person of any age can enjoy…

**LYNN:** _(as he speaks)_ Uh-huh… Uh-huh… Uh-huh…

**NOEL:** …I have an uncanny ability to get along with people; both my parents are superheroes; I know six different martial arts –

**LYNN:** _Whoa,_ whoa, whoa, waitwaitwaitwaitwait, back up, back up. What was that last one?

**NOEL:** …I know six different martial arts?

**LYNN:** No, nononono, _right_ before that.

**NOEL:** Both my parents are superheroes…?

_(Beat, as Lynn stares at him blankly. Then, she bursts out laughing, and continues laughing for a good full minute. Eventually, her laughter starts to fade.)_

**LYNN:** _Ah… Ah…_ Ah… _Whoo…_ Good one. You’re funny. I like you!

**NOEL:** That… wasn’t a joke.

_(Beat.)_

**LYNN:** W-Wait, y – are you serious?

**NOEL:** Yeah!

**LYNN:** Your parents are actually, honestly _superheroes?_

**NOEL:** _Yes!_

_(Beat. Then, Lynn starts laughing even harder, slapping the table and causing a ruckus, rocking back and forth in her seat.)_

**NOEL:** N-No, _seriously!_ Their names are Centennial and Loup Blanc!

**LYNN:** _STOP IT! STO-HA-HA-HA-HA-HOP! I CA – I CAN’T BRE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE…!_

_(Lynn laughs so hard that she falls out of her seat and starts ROTFLOLing, pounding and kicking the floor as she struggles to breathe between her laughs. Incensed, Noel gets up and leaves, which Lynn doesn’t notice because she’s laughing so dang hard.)_

(…)

_(Cut to all the Louds assembled outside. Lynn is still coming down from her laughing fit.)_

**LYNN:** _Heh… Heh, heh, heh…!_ “Centennial and Loup Blanc”, can you believe it? _Hehehe…_

**LUAN:** Wow – gotta say, Lola, either you’ve _really_ let your standards for boyfriends slip, or you’ve got a _reeeeally_ low opinion of Lynn…

**LOLA:** _Come on,_ you guys! He said his parents were _superheroes –_ how is he _not_ the coolest guy ever?!

**LINCOLN:** _(pats Lola’s head)_ Oh, Lola… Sweet, innocent Lola…

**LORI:** Well, the only one whose date is yet to arrive is Lisa. _(looks around)_ Where _is_ Lisa, anyways?

_(The others look around as well, but can’t find her. After a few minutes of calling out for her, Lisa arrives.)_

**LISA:** Greetings, siblings. I apologize for the tardiness – I deemed it necessary to remove myself to a secluded location in order to procure my candidate.

**LORI:** Oh- _kay…_ and where _is_ your candidate?

**LISA:** Right _here._

_(She steps aside, and Lisa’s choice steps forward. Everyone stares and gapes at the stranger.)_

**LORI:** _What –_

**LYNN:** _the –_

**LANA:** _FUDGE!_

_(Lana points at an ice cream truck passing by and tugs Lincoln’s shirt.)_

**LANA:** Guys, can we get fudgesicles? Please? _Please?_

**LINCOLN:** Maybe later, Lana…

**LISA:** Lynn Loud, Jr., may I introduce you to your soulmate… _Lynn Loud, Jr._

_(Tilt up from the stranger’s feet to reveal him to be Lynn – specifically, the male version of Lynn from the genderbent universe.)_

**LYNN:** Is… Is that… _me?_ Only… even manlier than _before?_

**LISA:** Indeed. I decided that I shouldn’t waste time searching for a compatible match for you amongst all the plenitude masses when I could simply travel to an alternate dimension with my dimension hopping watch _(holds up said watch)_ and retrieve a match that I know for a fact is identical to you in almost every way.

**LINCOLN:** Wait – you mean that _wasn’t_ a dream?

**LISA:** _Moving on…_ Lynn, this male self of yours has near-perfect compatibility with you – 99.99%, according to my calculations.

**LINCOLN:** Wait… if he’s from an alternate universe, from an alternate version of our family… _(points back and forth between Lynn and Boy Lynn)_ …then wouldn’t this technically be _ince –?_

**BOY LYNN:** Aw, _can it,_ Stinka! Or should I say –

**LYNN AND BOY LYNN:** _– Stinkoln!_

_(Both Lynns stop, look at each other, and laugh. Lynn accidentally burps and covers her mouth, embarrassed. Boy Lynn unleashes a burp of his own in response, and the two of them let out some more burps before Boy Lynn rips a fart. Briefly thinking he had gone too far, his fears are proven unfounded when Lynn answers in kind, and they get into a short farting contest which Boy Lynn loses… messily. After a shocked beat, both Lynns burst out laughing again, although all the other Louds in attendance are disgusted.)_

**LYNN:** Hey… you know… _(punches Boy Lynn’s arm)_ …this might be weird, but I think it might just work out. C’mon – let’s have a seat inside.

**BOY LYNN:** Ladies first…

_(They both head inside, towards the booth.)_

**LYNN:** Hey, you want a muffin?

**BOY LYNN:** Nah – too many carbs…

_(Beat.)_

**LYNN:** …I think I’m falling in love with you.

**BOY LYNN:** I think so, too…

_(They both sit down.)_

**LYNN:** So, tell me about yourself, Lynn. I mean, I know pretty much _everything_ there is to know about _you,_ specifically, but I’m sure things are different over in _your_ universe. What do you like to do?

**BOY LYNN:** Well, one thing I like to do is pile on my dad with all my _-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yy-y-y-y-yy-y-y-y-yy- ersand –_ inka.

_(Boy Lynn’s physical form distorts and glitches, like in a video game.)_

**LYNN:** …I-I’m sorry, what was that?

**BOY LYNN:** I said, I like to pi- _i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-iii-i-i-i-i—i-i-ii-ii-iiiu-ii-i-i-ii-I-ymllahtiwdad-rothersand –_ all my brothers and Linka.

**LYNN:** Still… didn’t quite catch that…

**BOY LYNN:** _LKSDNgosdghiDh{OSDGHuiob{UIobsdGBuIOBEHQ#$*(#$Y$*O{BHRN#W{H*(R#@YBNFG:sadfggghaesrBE G{HFOHII{OE{ERdklnldfnvioD{EWEP(J_)_ &%*^UYEFMNG)PG ***************************–!_

_(Boy Lynn distorts madly and makes no sense before vanishing entirely. Lisa comes rushing in.)_

**LYNN:** Lisa… you saw that, right?

**LISA:** Indeed. _Oopsies…_

**LYNN:** O-“Oopsies”? What do you mean, “Oopsies”?! _Where’d he go?!_

**LISA:** I believe his particles returned to their home dimension. _(beat)_ _Hopefully…_

**LYNN:** “Hopefully”?! _“Hopefully”?! What ELSE could have happened to his particles?!_

**LISA:** _(under her breath) Nothing good, I’d imagine…_ _(clears her throat)_ Apologies, fifth eldest sibling. Still… _ironing out the kinks_ of interdimensional travel…

**LYNN:** _(sighs, hangs her head)_ …The one guy I had _everything_ in common with… and I’ll probably never see him again. Figures…

_(The next time she looks up, she sees Lisa is scraping the… leftovers… of Boy Lynn’s embarrassing accident that he left on the seat into a cup.)_

**LYNN:** _Lisa! SERIOUSLY?!_

**LISA:** Don’t blame _me_ – blame _science!_

(…)

_(With that, Lynn has exhausted all of her options. She lines her siblings up and hands each one the dossier on their candidate as she passes them by. Luna is first, followed by Lola, Leni, Lori, Luan, Lincoln, and with Lana bringing up the rear.)_

**LYNN:** Raging egoist; _(snickering)_ can’t stop laughing at him; thinks I’m jailbait; can’t even say; not my type; not my type; and _definitely_ not my type. _(muttering)_ _Plus, soccer practice on Sunday is gonna be SUPER awkward… (sighs)_ Well… thanks, guys. You tried, but it just didn’t pan out. This whole thing was a _bust._

_(The others share guilty looks.)_

**LORI:** Oh… Lynn, there _must_ be something else we can do –

**LYNN:** _No,_ all right? _No._ I’m done with you guys trying to cheer me up, all right? This whole thing wasn’t nearly as fun as I thought it would be. Maybe…

_(She sits down at an unoccupied table.)_

**LYNN:** …Maybe I’m just better off alone.

**LENI:** Don’t say that, Lynn! There _is_ someone out there for you – you just have to keep putting yourself out there, looking for them!

**LYNN:** But _how?_ I’ve gone through every person you guys thought was the best match for me, and _none_ of them passed!

**SPOOKY VOICE:** _You forgot me._

_(Everyone jumps. Suddenly, Lucy.)_

**LYNN:** _Dang it!_ Lucy, _again…?_

**LUCY:** You still haven’t tried _my_ choice for you, Lynn…

**LYNN:** Oh… Oh, that’s right, I haven’t. _(sighs)_ Well… might as well… Who is he? And it’d _better_ be a “he”…

**LUCY:** I’ll be honest – after hearing about the plan, I just decided to go with my initial plan…

**LYNN:** What was your initial plan?

**BOY #9:** Uh, _hey._ Am I too late?

_(Lynn freezes. She recognizes that voice. The crowd parts to reveal none other than Francisco standing in the doorway.)_

**LYNN:** F- _Francisco?!_ _(runs up to him)_ W-What are _you_ doing here?

**FRANCISCO:** Well, your sister waved some sort of talisman in my face, uttered a bunch of magic mumbo-jumbo, told me that I was supposed to meet you here at around this time, and then led me here. Wanna tell me what’s going on?

**LUCY:** You are now hexed to love this girl. _You have no choice but to obey…_

**LYNN:** _LUCY! (to Francisco)_ I-I-I am _so_ sorry about this, i-it-it’s my _idiot_ sister, Lucy – she honestly thinks magic exists, can you believe that? _Heh…_ _Ha, ha… Hahaha…_

**FRANCISCO:** Wait… Lynn, you… you did all of this so that I would go out with you?

**LYNN:** N- _No!_ No, it’s not what you think! S-See, my siblings were holding a speed dating session here for me, and-and-and each of them picked someone for me to date, and, a-a-and, and… I… I guess… you… were Lucy’s choice…

**FRANCISCO:** Well, sure – I’ll go out with you!

_(Lynn’s siblings all gasp.)_

**LYNN:** I know, I know, I promise I’ll never bother you again – wait, wait, _wait…! What?! WHAT?!_

**FRANCISCO:** Yeah, sure! Why not?

**LYNN:** Bu-Bu-Bu…! B-But I mean, I mean… w-what about Madeleine?

**FRANCISCO:** Oh, actually, I… _(rubs arm)_ …broke up with Madeleine.

**LYNN:** What…?

**FRANCISCO:** Yeah, we just… didn’t see eye to eye anymore, you know? _(takes Lynn’s hands)_ You’re an awesome girl, Lynn. I’d love to go out with you sometime…

**LYNN:** R-Really?

**FRANCISCO:** Yeah. Hey, wanna catch the football game this Friday after school?

**LYNN:** Y- _Yeah!_ Sounds like fun!

**FRANCISCO:** Cool! I’ll save you a spot on the bleachers!

**LYNN:** Well… _heh…!_ Well, you’ll have to get there _pretty_ early to be there before _me!_

**FRANCISCO:** I’ll take that bet!

**LYNN:** You’re on!

_(They both laugh, then bid each other goodbye. Francisco leaves, and Lynn turns to her siblings, an elated smile on her face.)_

**LYNN:** You guys…! _You guys…! I’ve got a date with FRANCISCO!_

_(Everyone, especially the girls, cheer. Lynn does her usual victory dance.)_

**LYNN:** _BOOM! Yeah! UNH-uh-UNH-uh-UNH!_ _Who’s the man?_

**LINCOLN:** _You’re the man, Lynn! You’re the man!_

_(Lynn stops dancing and stares Lincoln down.)_

**LYNN:** …Excuse me?

**LINCOLN:** U-Uh, I mean, uh, y-you’re the _girl,_ Lynn! Yeah! You go, girl!

_(Lynn gets even more up in Lincoln’s face.)_

**LYNN:** _Excuse me?!_

**LINCOLN:** I… I-I… uh… _Meep…_

_(Lynn’s angry scowl gives way to a grin.)_

**LYNN:** Aw, c’mon, Stinkoln, I’m just messin’ with ya! _C’mere!_

_(She envelops Lincoln in a great big bear hug, crushing his spine and chest cavity.)_

**LINCOLN:** _Ahhhk –! Can’t breathe…! L-Lynn, love you too, but CAN’T BREATHE –!_

_(Lynn releases Lincoln, who gasps for air. She opens her arms to the rest of her sisters.)_

**LYNN:** Come on! Everybody bring it in!

_(All the Loud sisters – and Lincoln – engage in one big group hug, as the sisters all squeal and yell with delight.)_

(…)

_(The next scene takes place at the middle school football game on Friday. Francisco arrives on the home team’s side of the bleachers and looks around.)_

**LYNN:** _(offscreen) Francisco!_

_(Francisco looks up and sees Lynn waving and patting a seat next to her on the bleachers. He climbs the stairs, inches past the other people sitting, and takes his seat next to Lynn.)_

**FRANCISCO:** Hey, Lynn! Here you are!

**LYNN:** _Heh…! Told_ you I’d beat you here!

**FRANCISCO:** Well, when you’re right, you’re right! I miss anything?

**LYNN:** No, the show’s about to begin!

_(The cheerleaders file onto the field, beginning their pre-game routine, with a whole bunch of flips and tricks to wow and amaze the audience.)_

**LYNN:** Boy, those cheerleaders sure have got some fancy moves, eh, Francisco?

_(She looks at Francisco, whose face is frozen in horror.)_

**LYNN:** …Francisco? You okay?

**FRANCISCO:** H-Huh? What? Me? Uh, _yeah!_ Yeah, I’m fine! Why wouldn’t I be? _(stands up)_ H-Hey, uh… _(scans the stadium, sees Flip’s Flippee stand)_ …d-do, do you, uh, want a Flippee?

**LYNN:** Oh, sure! Banana, please!

**FRANCISCO:** Right, right, whatever…

_(He disappears into the crowd. Lynn, meanwhile, is focused on the cheerleaders’ performance, and the game that starts afterwards. She gets so into it that she doesn’t even notice how long Francisco is gone for until much later.)_

**LYNN:** _Hey, come on! That’s a foul! Throw down a flag! FLAG ON THE PLAY!_

_(Francisco worms his way back to his seat, empty-handed.)_

**LYNN:** Oh, hey, you’re back! Man, you just missed a wicked-FUBAR play!

**FRANCISCO:** Dang… sorry…

**LYNN:** Hey… where are the Flippees?

**FRANCISCO:** The what? _…Oh!_ Oh, I, uh… _(touches his pocket area)_ …lost my wallet.

**LYNN:** Oh, no!

**FRANCISCO:** Yeah, it’s a real shame… Guess no Flippees for us… on our first date, even…

_(Lynn shakes her head – she doesn’t want their first date to be ruined by bad luck.)_

**LYNN:** No… No, no, _I’ll_ buy us Flippees. Okay?

**FRANCISCO:** Oh, no – no, I couldn’t ask you to do that…

**LYNN:** No, really – _I insist._

**FRANCISCO:** Well, if you insist…

_(He starts watching the game. Lynn stands up.)_

**LYNN:** I’ll be right back before you know it!

**FRANCISCO:** _(eyes on the game)_ Yeah, yeah, uh, get me a raspberry, would ya?

**LYNN:** Got it.

_(She leaves, and as she buys the Flippees, she hears a huge cheer ring out from her school’s side of the stadium. She returns as quickly as she can.)_

**LYNN:** _Hey!_ Hey, did I miss anything?

**FRANCISCO:** Hm? Mm, no, no, not really. Here, where’s my Flippee?

_(Lynn hands him his Flippee and sits down. Behind her, she hears two students talking.)_

**STUDENT #1:** Oh, man, did you see that last play?

**STUDENT #2:** I know! Converted to a first down! That catch was _crazy!_

_(Lynn looks disappointed, knowing that she had missed something, but she tries to put it out of her mind. She continues to enjoy the game with Francisco until the half-time show, where the cheerleaders come out onto the field again. Francisco stands up.)_

**LYNN:** Francisco? Where are you going?

**FRANCISCO:** Uh… _bathroom!_ Yeah, those Flippees go _right through you,_ don’t they? Be right back!

_(He leaves for the bathrooms. Lynn, who has better bladder and bowel control from years of discipline, holds it. The game continues on and on, and the lead passes back and forth between Lynn’s school’s home team and the visiting team. Eventually, Lynn can’t hold it anymore, and gets up to go to the bathroom. On the way there, she bumps into a boy with blond hair, glasses, and a green jacket.)_

**LYNN:** _Hey!_ Watch where you’re going!

**BOY:** Oh, excuse me, I – _Oh!_

**LYNN:** _(arches an eyebrow)_ …Something wrong?

**BOY:** N-No, I… I-I just…! _Excuse me!_

_(He rushes past Lynn to return to his seat. Lynn shakes her head and moves on, but stops and does a double-take. That boy looked familiar… Before she can recognize him, though, she hears Francisco and another girl’s laughter nearby, and she follows the sounds to them. Francisco sees her about the same time as she sees him.)_

**FRANCISCO:** Uh, yeah, so, uh – _s-see ya!_

_(The other girl, confused and a bit upset at such a sudden departure, watches him go, then shakes her head and moves on. Francisco runs to meet Lynn.)_

**FRANCISCO:** H-Hey! Uh, gotta go too, eh?

**LYNN:** Hey, you’re missing the whole game! What’s taking so long?

**FRANCISCO:** Oh, I, th-there was, uh, uh, a-a-a long line for the bathroom! Yeah… So, uh, I’ve just been waiting in line, and I _just_ got to go. Yeah…

**LYNN:** _(looks over his shoulder)_ I don’t see a long line…

**FRANCISCO:** Well, _yeah,_ there isn’t one _now._ The line’s shrunken a lot.

**LYNN:** Oh. Okay… And who was that girl?

**FRANCISCO:** …What girl?

**LYNN:** The one you were just talking to?

**FRANCISCO:** Oh, her? Oh, she was no-one – just a stranger that I happened to strike up a conversation with. We just shot the breeze, that was all…

**LYNN:** …And is that _all_ you were doing?

**FRANCISCO:** Do you have to be like that? I mean, I can’t even _talk_ to another girl without you getting jealous?

**LYNN:** N-No, that’s not what I –

**FRANCISCO:** _Don’t you trust me?_

**LYNN:** I… _(sighs)_ …I _do,_ Francisco. It’s just… I _worry,_ okay? I lost you once – I don’t want to let you go now that I’ve got you…

**FRANCISCO:** _(caresses her cheek)_ I’m not going anywhere, Lynn. Don’t worry. _(takes her hand)_ Come on, let’s get back to the game…

_(The two of them return to their seats, and watch the rest of the game together. As the game winds down to a close, the Royal Woods Middle School cheerleaders start cheering their team, which is lagging behind by a few points, from the sidelines. When they take the side opposite the one Lynn and Francisco are on, Francisco stands up again.)_

**LYNN:** Francisco…?

**FRANCISCO:** I, uh… Um… I-I-I _just_ got an idea of where my wallet went! M-Maybe it fell out of my back pocket, and down behind the bleachers! Hang on – I’ll go check!

_(Once again, Francisco leaves his date alone, and she rests her chin in her hand and sighs, watching the game clock tick down. Lynn starts to wonder why Francisco keeps bailing on her… and then she sees it. Well, not “it” – HER. Every time she was out on the field, he made an excuse and ran. Suddenly, it all comes together. Lynn stands up, goes under the bleachers, and finds Francisco hiding there.)_

**LYNN:** Francisco!

**FRANCISCO:** Lynn? Uh, sorry, I just… I don’t wanna give up just yet, you know?

**LYNN:** Save the excuses, Frankie – _I_ see what’s going on here!

**FRANCISCO:** Y-You do…?

**LYNN:** Yeah… you don’t want to be seen with me!

**FRANCISCO:** L-Lynn! I-I-It’s not what you think –!

**LYNN:** Hey, hey, _whoa!_ Take it easy, Francisco, I understand!

**FRANCISCO:** You – _really?!_

**LYNN:** Yeah…

_(Francisco cringes, preparing for the fallout.)_

**LYNN:** …Things are still awkward between you and your ex, so you don't want to be seen by her on a date with another girl so soon!

_(Francisco opens one eye. Then the other one. Then, he unclenches.)_

**FRANCISCO:** O-Oh. I thought – I-I mean, _yes!_ That's _exactly_ what's going on here!

**LYNN:** Uh-huh, that's what I thought. _(walks up and claps him on the shoulder)_ Hey, don't sweat it -- we can get out of here...

_(Francisco nods, breathing a sigh of relief. Lynn takes him by the hand and leads him out from under the bleachers and towards the exit. They round a corner… and run smack-dab into Madeleine, Francisco’s ex, in her cheerleader uniform.)_

**MADELEINE:** Francisco!

**FRANCISCO:** M-M- _Madeleine!_ I –! _(looks at Lynn, then back at her)_ I, uh –!

**MADELEINE:** Hey, are you here to watch the game?

_(Lynn opens her mouth to give her a piece of her mind, but Francisco speaks up first.)_

**FRANCISCO:** _Yes_ – yes, I _am._ What are _you_ doing here? I thought you quit the cheerleading team…

**MADELEINE** : Well, I was _about_ to, but then I thought about what you said, and I talked it over with the captain and the others, and they _really_ helped me straighten things out. I mean, come on – me, complaining about _middle-schoolers_ being _objectified?_ I’ve been listening to too many of my big sister’s feminist rants…

**FRANCISCO** : O- _Oh…_ Well, uh, _heh…_

**MADELEINE:** And you know what? You were right – I _do_ enjoy being a part of the cheerleading team! Everyone is so nice and supportive… we really _do_ make a great team!

**FRANCISCO:** _(sweating bullets)_ W-Well, uh… G-Good for you…

**MADELEINE:** _(saunters up to him)_ Oh, thanks _so_ much for setting me straight! You’re the best boyfriend _ever!_

_(She cups his cheeks in her hands… and plants a big, wet kiss on his lips. We do a staggered zoom on Lynn’s eyes, in which Madeleine kissing Francisco is reflected, and after she blinks once, her pupils have been replaced by an exploding mushroom cloud. When Madeleine breaks the kiss, she finds herself being shoved roughly by Lynn.)_

**LYNN: _HEY!_** _Who the heck do you think you are, slapping your grubby lips all over my BOYFRIEND’S?!_

**MADELEINE:** _(gasps – and I mean REALLY gasps)_ _YOUR boyfriend’s?! Who the heck are YOU?!_

**LYNN:** I’m his _girlfriend – his NEW girlfriend!_ Get with the times, sister – he _dumped_ your miserable rear end! _You’re OUT!_

**MADELEINE:** _He never dumped me!_ What do you think _you’re_ doing, going out with other girls’ boyfriends, you… you _FLOOZY?!_

**LYNN: _I –_**

_(Just then, everything clicks. It’s as if a lightbulb goes off in each girl’s head.)_

**LYNN:** Wait… Francisco _didn’t_ break up with you?

**MADELEINE:** And he’s here on a date with _you?_

_(Beat. Then, with the sounds of creaking, rusty joints, both Lynn and Madeleine turn their hateful gazes on Francisco.)_

**FRANCISCO:** _(gulps, holds up his hands, and smiles nervously)_ Uh… _heh, heh, heh…_

_(Lynn and Madeleine begin to advance on their duplicitous boyfriend, who starts backing away.)_

**FRANCISCO:** N-N-Now, girls, take it easy –! L-Let’s not do anything _rash,_ huh? M-Madeleine, she’s just a – _(looks at Lynn)_ I-I mean, Lynn, she doesn’t know what she –! _(looks at Madeleine)_ I – I mean, _come on!_ You don’t have _ANY solid proof_ that I was cheating on _either_ of you!

_(As fate would have it, a girl with brown hair and a blue windbreaker – the same one Lynn had seen Francisco with at the bathrooms earlier – shows up behind him.)_

**GIRL:** Francisco! There you are!

_(Francisco turns around and sees her, and his eyes bulge out of his sockets. The timing could not be worse…)_

**FRANCISCO:** Ch-Chelsea…

**CHELSEA:** _(holding her phone)_ You left before we could exchange phone numbers. What’s up?

_(Both Lynn and Madeleine gape at Francisco, unable to believe what they are hearing.)_

**LYNN:** So, you _were_ flirting with that girl earlier!

**MADELEINE:** Un. Be. _Lievable._

**CHELSEA:** _(in full “begone thot” mode)_ Uh, I’m sorry, who are _you?_

**LYNN:** _(folds her arms)_ I’m his _girlfriend – ONE of them, at least!_

**MADELEINE:** Yeah, _me too!_

**CHELSEA:** _WHAT?!_

**FRANCISCO:** _N-No!_ I…! G-Girls, please! _I can explain!_

_(Lynn, Madeleine, and Chelsea all stare holes in Francisco. It seems as though they have all the explanation they need already – and pretty soon, Francisco realizes it. He makes a break for it, but Chelsea is too quick on the draw – she sticks her foot out and trips him. Before he can get back on his feet, Lynn wraps her arms around his arms and torso, immobilizing him. He kicks and struggles, but to no avail. Switch to Francisco’s POV as Madeleine and Chelsea close in on him.)_

**FRANCISCO:** Girls…! _Girls…! Girls, PLEASE!_ Let’s be _reasonable!_ There’s no need to act like _barbarians!_ W-We can still handle this like _rational, civilized people!_

_(Madeleine and Chelsea stop, as if considering this. They look at each other, then nod, coming to an understanding. They look at Francisco. Beat. Then, without warning, they both raise their fists and sock him in the face, making him, and the audience, see stars. Cut back to medium close-up. Lynn follows up with a wicked suplex, leaving Francisco down for the count. Starting with Chelsea, then followed by Madeleine, then Lynn, each girl turns their back on him.)_

**CHELSEA:** _Hmph! (leaves)_

**MADELEINE:** Francisco… _we’re through. (leaves)_

**LYNN:** So long, you two-timing _jerk… (leaves)_

**FRANCISCO:** _(lifts himself to his knees, both eyes blackened) Ohhhh…_ W-Wait… Chelsea! Madeleine! Lynn! Madelynn! Wai – _Ohhh…_

_(Francisco collapses, not to rise again for a good while – and in for the mother of all headaches when he does…)_

(…)

_(The next, and final, scene opens with an establishing shot of a gym. Inside one of the private rec rooms, Lincoln is holding a punching bag as Lynn goes to town on it.)_

**LINCOLN:** _Oof…! Ugh…! Ah…!_ Come on, Lynn, at least _talk to us_ about it…

**LYNN:** No. No more talking. Now just _PUNCHING!_

**LINCOLN:** _(steps away from the punching bag)_ Come on, Lynn, we just want to help…

_(Lynn punches the punching bag off its hook and into the wall, where it leaves a crater. She glares at him, panting.)_

**LYNN:** …If you want to _help_ me, Lincoln… _(points at hook)_ …then hang your _own_ carcass from that hook, and _let me work out my frustrations!_ _OTHERWISE, **GET LOST!** (starts doing some aggressive push-ups)_

**LINCOLN:** _(in a small voice)_ _…Okay._

_(Without another word, he leaves with his tail between his legs. Lori and Lucy are waiting for him outside.)_

**LORI:** Just leave her be, Lincoln. We’ve done everything we can…

**LUCY:** And beware: Hades hath no fury like a woman scorned…

**LINCOLN:** I’ll say… _(sighs as they leave)_ I don’t get it… Francisco seemed like such a nice guy…

**LORI:** They always do, Lincoln. In the beginning… they always do.

_(Lynn hears them leave, and keeps doing push-ups until her arms feel like they’re about to break. She sits down, sweat pouring from her forehead… and tears pouring from her eyes. She wipes her tears, then clenches her hand into a fist.)_

**LYNN:** _…No._ No more tears. _(slaps herself) No (slap) more (slap) TEARS! Come on, Lynn Loud – only LOSERS cry! Are you a LOSER? HUH?! **ARE YOU?!**_

_(She shuts her eyes, breathing heavily. She can’t bring herself to answer that question. Finally, she stands up.)_

**LYNN:** …I need some water…

_(Lynn stomps out of the private rec room and over to the drinking fountain, where she gulps down water and splashes it in her face, trying to take her mind off of everything. It partially works, so she starts going back to the private room. As she passes by a weightlifting bench, she stops and sees that there is a skinny, shrimpy-looking boy pinned under a barbell by the neck, kicking and straining to breathe as his face starts turning purple. Alarmed, she quickly grabs the barbell and helps him lift it – though she does most of the lifting – and place it on one of the bench’s racks. The boy sits up, gasping for breath.)_

**LYNN:** _Jeez…!_ You okay, man?

**BOY:** _Ah…_ Yeah… _Phew…_ bit off more than I could chew there…!

**LYNN:** _(shaking her head)_ You forgot the most important rule of weight training: _never, EVER lift without someone to spot you!_

**BOY:** Well… lesson learned…

**LYNN:** I hope so, for _your_ sake…

_(Lynn pauses and squints at the boy, scratching her chin.)_

**LYNN:** Say… have we met somewhere before?

**BOY:** Uh…? O- _Oh!_ Yeah, uh, I… we… I… _(clears throat)_ We dated, _briefly,_ a couple days ago. Remember? At Kiley’s Kafé?

**LYNN:** _(snaps her fingers)_ Oh, yeah! What did you say your name was, again?

**BOY:** Prez.

**LYNN:** “Prez”?

**PREZ:** Oh, yeah, see – Oh, wait, you… you said you didn’t care…

_(Lynn looks a little guilty.)_

**LYNN:** Well… I kinda care _now…_

**PREZ:** _(blinks)_ …Really? Well, okay… It’s a nickname. Short for “President”. I’ve got the same name as one.

**LYNN:** Really? Which one?

**PREZ:** Zachary Taylor.

_(Beat.)_

**LYNN:** …Never heard of him.

**PREZ:** Ah, it’s okay – not a lot of people have. Except for history buffs, like me…

**LYNN:** Yeah? You like history?

**PREZ:** Yeah, it’s interesting to me. And I’m pretty good at it. English, too. Not math, though – I _hate_ math…

**LYNN:** _(laughs, sits down next to him on the bench)_ No way, you too? _Ugh,_ let me tell you: One time, my parents became _obsessed_ with making me and my brother and sisters more “well-rounded”, so they made me study a _whole_ bunch of math. I mean, yeah, I learned a lot, but _uggghhh,_ it was _sooooooo_ boring…

**PREZ:** Parents sometimes, am I right? _(laughs)_

**LYNN:** _(laughs too)_ Nah, mine are alright. They don’t get involved in our problems _nearly_ as much as they should, but other than that, they’re cool.

_(Beat. Lynn gazes curiously at Prez again.)_

**LYNN:** Hey, wait a minute… didn’t I see you at the football game yesterday?

**PREZ:** Hm? _Oh!_ Oh, yeah, that’s right! We bumped into each other! You already said you didn’t want to go out with me, and, um, I-I didn’t want to bother you, so I… I just, you know… got out of your way…

**LYNN:** _(snorts)_ Funny how we keep running into each other…

**PREZ:** Sometimes quite literally…

**LYNN:** Hm? What do you mean?

**PREZ:** Well, about – what was it, last Friday, I think…? Last Friday, at school, I was just walking down the hall, minding my own business, when all of a sudden, you run straight into me and bowl me over. You must have been in a real hurry, because I don’t think you even noticed me…

**LYNN:** Oh? _(thinks about it, then realizes)_ Oh… _that._ Yeah, I was… really not paying attention to my surroundings at the time. Sorry about that. _Apology punch! (punches him in the arm)_

**PREZ:** _Ah! (rubs his arm, then smiles)_ Wow… you _really_ pack a punch!

**LYNN:** _(smiles proudly, polishing her biceps)_ With _these_ babies? Why would you expect anything _less?_

**PREZ:** I’ll say! _(laughs)_ Anyways, it’s okay you didn’t notice me – it’s not like I stand out in a crowd. You _did_ seem pretty upset, though – at least, from what little I could see of you when you were going so fast and I was getting knocked around like a bowling pin. I don’t mean to pry, but… did something happen?

**LYNN:** _(sighs)_ It’s a _long_ story…

**PREZ:** Well, I’ve got time…

_(Lynn hesitates, then sags her shoulders, sighing.)_

**LYNN:** Okay, let me explain… _(beat)_ …No, there’s too much. Let me sum up…

_(Cut to after Lynn has told Prez all the deets about her, her siblings, Francisco, and Madeleine.)_

**LYNN:** …And now you’re all caught up.

_(Beat, as Prez processes all of this new information.)_

**PREZ:** …Well. I can see now why you looked so upset…

**LYNN:** Huh?

**PREZ:** Yeah, I saw you earlier, going to town on a punching bag. Again, I figured you didn’t want me disturbing you – especially when you looked so p.o’ed – so I left you alone.

**LYNN:** Yeah, well… that was probably a wise decision. _Grrr…_ _(clenches and unclenches fists)_ …just thinking about it, and _him,_ is getting me all worked up again…

**PREZ:** Me too! What a _moron!_

_(Lynn arches an eyebrow at Prez.)_

**LYNN:** Eh? There’s a _lot_ of words I’d use to describe Francisco, but _“moron”_ isn’t one of them. How is he a “moron”?

**PREZ:** For wanting to have his cake and eat it too! Why would he feel the need to date more than one girl at once? Why couldn’t he just have been satisfied with _you?_ You deserve better than that!

_(Lynn thinks about the other girls involved in her love rectangle – at the least – with Francisco, as well as Lola’s comments on her the day they decided on the speed-dating solution, and frowns.)_

**LYNN:** _Hmph…_ Do I? Maybe it shouldn’t come as any surprise; maybe he _couldn’t_ be satisfied with just me. Maybe because I’m not _feminine_ enough…

**PREZ:** And that’s supposed to be a _problem?_ Lynn, _who cares_ if you’re not traditionally feminine? I mean, I’m not traditionally _masculine,_ and look at _me!_

_(Beat.)_

**PREZ:** …Okay, bad example.

_(Lynn_ _can’t help but laugh at his joke.)_

**PREZ:** But the point I’m trying to make is, it shouldn’t matter if you’re feminine or not. You’re _you._ And you’re _awesome._ And if he can’t see that, well… _(waves dismissively)_ …it’s _his_ loss.

_(Lynn is touched by his kind words, but also curious.)_

**LYNN:** Hmmm… You seem to know an awful lot about me, “stranger”…

**PREZ:** I –! U-Uh, well… _(grins nervously)_ …w-well, who _hasn’t_ heard about _you,_ Lynn Loud? Royal Woods’s very own all-star athlete herself!

**LYNN:** Yeah, okay – fair. _(smiles slyly)_ …Sounds like you know me a little better than _most,_ though…

**PREZ:** Ah, well… _heh, heh…_ _(scratches back of head)_ …it’s kind of a long story…

**LYNN:** _(shrugs)_ I’ve got time.

**PREZ:** I… No, I…

**LYNN:** _C’mooon!_ What’re you so skittish about?

**PREZ:** I just… I don’t want to sound like a _creeper…_

**LYNN:** Ohoho… Now you’ve _really_ got me curious…

_(Realizing Lynn won’t drop the subject, Prez sighs and gives in.)_

**PREZ:** Okay… if you _really_ want to know… _(takes a deep breath)_ Well, for starters, let me say that us running into each other at the football game was no coincidence. W-Well, I mean, it _was_ a coincidence – just not the type you were expecting…

**LYNN:** How many types of coincidences are there?

**PREZ:** I’m not sure – _at least_ two. You see, whenever I’m not plopped down in front of the TV, I’m out watching the local sports games. I’m a _huge_ sports fan, you see…

**LYNN:** _(intrigued)_ Oh, _are_ you, now…?

**PREZ:** Yep – I _love_ sports! Never been much good at them myself, but hey – you don’t have to be _good_ at something to _love_ it, right?

**LYNN:** Hmmm… I never thought about that…

**PREZ:** So, like, I _never_ miss a game if I can help it – be it a local game here, or a major league game on TV. Doesn’t matter what sport it is: football; baseball; basketball; hockey; lacrosse; even _roller derby,_ if you can believe that – I watch every game I can. And… I began to realize something.

**LYNN:** What?

**PREZ:** Across all these different sports, all those different teams… there was one player involved in every sport; one who stood out above the rest of her teammates. _(looks at her) You,_ Lynn Loud. And the more I saw you, the more I came to admire you. I mean, I’d never seen anyone _strong_ enough to power through an entire defensive line _by herself;_ _skilled_ enough to hit a three-pointer from almost halfway down the court; or _smart_ enough to utilize her teammates as best she can and pull game-winning plays out of thin air… until I saw you in action.

_(Lynn smiles as he praises her.)_

**PREZ:** And you know, I don’t know _how_ I didn’t recognize you earlier – maybe I just couldn’t believe that they were the same person, who knows? – but it wasn’t until last fall, when the Roosters played the Hockers for the final game of the season, and the Roosters’ star quarterback, who’d carried them all the way to the finals, was revealed to have been not your brother, but _you,_ all along… that I recognized a girl who’d started middle school around the same time I did. The same girl… who was teased and bullied nearly the entire school year.

_(Lynn rubs her arm and adopts a pained expression, recalling the humiliating memories of her first year of middle school.)_

**LYNN:** Oh… yeah…

**PREZ:** …R-Right. _(clears throat)_ A-And you know, I’m no stranger to bullying, myself – even before middle school started, in fact. And not even always at _school,_ either. Guess I’m just a _real_ easy target…

_(He sighs and shakes his head.)_

**PREZ:** But _you…_ you turned it all around. You used to be shy; naïve; shunned… Now, you were bold; confident; _loved._ You were in the exact same situation I was… and you came out of it even stronger. That’s… I… _(twiddles fingers)_ That’s… really admirable, you know?

_(Lynn blinks, taken aback. The praise earlier was one thing, but this… this is on a whole other level.)_

**PREZ:** I thought to myself, “Man, what I wouldn’t give to have a girl like that for a girlfriend… Actually, not even that – just having her as a _friend_ would be a privilege.”

_(Lynn looks at the floor, heat rushing to her cheeks.)_

**PREZ:** So, I tried to talk to you – key word, _tried._ Every time I’d try, I’d make up an excuse, o-or just freeze up entirely, or… _(sighs)_ I’d just… get _cold feet,_ you know?

**LYNN:** _(chuckles)_ Oh, trust me, I know the feeling…

**PREZ:** No way – _you?_ What do you have to be insecure about?

**LYNN:** _(under her breath) You have no idea… (looks up, clears throat)_ Oh, but enough about me – get on with the story!

_(Beat. Then, Prez shrugs.)_

**PREZ:** Okay, well… I thought I’d never work up the nerve to talk to you. But then, about a week ago, I find out that your sister is conducting interviews, looking for someone to set you up with, and I tell myself – “Prez, old boy: it’s _now or never._ If you don’t take this opportunity, then someone else _will._ And odds are… you won’t get another one.” _(shrugs)_ So, I sign up. I get interviewed. To my surprise, I get a callback. And _not_ to my surprise… you reject me.

**LYNN:** Oh…

_(Beat.)_

**LYNN:** Hey… listen, I –

**PREZ:** _(waves hand)_ No, no, no, it’s okay – I figured I wasn’t your type. I mean, come on – calling _these_ things “guns”?

_(He flexes his non-existent muscles.)_

**PREZ:** Yeah, right… Who am I kidding? _(sighs)_ I pretty much knew I didn’t _really_ have a chance with you, but, well, _heh…_ I never _did_ learn when to give up, so I tried my luck anyway. Don’t know what I was expecting. _(gestures to surroundings)_ And _that…_ is why I’m here.

**LYNN:** Huh? “Here”? At the gym?

**PREZ:** Yep. I know I’m weak. I _know_ I’m scrawny. But I figured that if I wanted to go about remedying that, well… there’s no time like the present, right? I mean, hey – if _you_ could do it, then why can’t _I?_ So, now I’m here. Trying to whip my wimpy body into shape. Just gotta keep at it, stay disciplined, and who knows?

_(He slowly turns to look at Lynn.)_

**PREZ:** Maybe someday… I’ll be a worthy match for a girl like you.

_(Lynn can’t conceal her blush any longer. She puts a hand to her cheek, looking away. Prez realizes he’s embarrassed her.)_

**PREZ:** Ah… _(claps his hands and stands up)_ Well… listen to me yammering on – I won’t waste any more of your time, Lynn Loud. I’m sorry to hear about your relationship problems, and I sincerely hope that one day, you’ll find someone who will treat you right – the way a girl as awesome as you _deserves_ to be treated. You can go back about your business.

_(Prez walks over to the dumbbell racks and picks up a 50-pound dumbbell with both hands.)_

**PREZ:** I’ll just get back to… _hnnnnnngggghh… pumping iron –!_

_(Prez strains and struggles until his face turns red, but despite his best efforts, he is unable to curl with the dumbbell even a little. Lynn watches him and giggles – it’s kinda cute, the way he’s trying so hard. She stands up, walks over to him, gently takes the dumbbell away, and effortlessly curls with it.)_

**PREZ:** Wow… You make it look so easy…

**LYNN:** Yeah, well… _(takes a 7-pound dumbbell and hands it to Prez)_ …that’s because I started out _small,_ and worked my way up.

**PREZ:** Oh. Yeah… makes sense. _(salutes her with the dumbbell)_ Thanks for the tip!

**LYNN:** No prob.

_(Beat, as Prez waits for Lynn to leave, in vain.)_

**LYNN:** Hey… you know…

**PREZ:** Y-Yeah?

**LYNN:** I… happen to know my way around a workout regimen myself… and you look like you could use all the help you can get…

_(She smiles.)_

**LYNN:** What do you say I act as your personal trainer?

_(Prez’s jaw drops.)_

**PREZ:** R- _Really?_ Y-You mean it?

**LYNN:** _Heh…_ what? Are you complaining?

**PREZ:** _No!_ Uh, _ahem –_ n-no, not at all! I’d like that very much! I-I mean, if it’s not too much trouble – I mean, I know I’ve got a lot of work to do…

**LYNN:** Hey… _(lightly punches his arm)_ …I thought you never learned when to quit?

_(Prez blinks at her, then smiles.)_

**PREZ:** …Touché.

_(Lynn gestures for him to follow her, and she leads him back to the weightlifting bench, where they both sit back down.)_

**LYNN:** Now, you’re gonna want to breathe _in_ through your nose as you flex, and _out_ through your mouth as you relax.

_(She demonstrates, and Prez follows her example.)_

**PREZ:** Like that?

**LYNN:** Yes, just like that. _(points at the 7-pound dumbbell he’s holding)_ All right, now give me 12 reps with that on each arm.

**PREZ:** You got it! _(starts curling and following Lynn’s breathing technique)_ One… two… three… four… _Whoof…!_ Yeah…! Feelin’ the burn…!

_(Zoom in on Lynn as he works out. She smiles at him. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship – or maybe something more…)_

**END**


End file.
